Where do I go from here???

Today at work was really hard. I am so tired of being treated like I am less than. I was going to go into the whole story of what's wrong but I just can't. I am just TOO tired. I feel like they are trying to get rid of me. Today I had to go to the bathroom in tears. I don't think I'm too much longer for this job and i guess it's ok as I'm not wanted anyway. It hurts though because it was so hard to get to this point. I struggled so hard. Hell I struggle so hard. I get so tired. I had gotten off the anti depressants, I had lost 151 pounds, I finished school, the 3 surgeries, I've done so much, fought so hard I can't help but wonder when will it end? I try not to get into the "why me's" because I know thats not a good road to be on but I'm so tired. Ive taken to leaving work and going to the park and just falling asleep in my car, I'm back on 2 low does of antidepressants, I'm eating like shit but still struggling to work out. I have gained 25 pounds that I haven't been able to get off for the last year. it's like climbing a muddy hill that someone keeps pouring water on, making it ever more slippery.  Everytime I gain a little ground I slide back down. Im living but i'm not alive. I exist. I take up space. I continue to fight because i don't know how to do anything else. I don't even know what it is I'm fighting for anymore........

I think even though I can't really afford it, and although it may cause a fight with my kids father, im going to check into a hotel for 2 days this weekend. Maybe I just need to take my bible and a notebook and sit and plan or cry or just allow whatever pentup feelings come out, come out and hopefully come away refreshed and with a new plan in hand...

Holding on by a thread

I am here, I have thought so many times of writing but the words always get caught in my throat. I don't want to put pen to paper because of the fear of the dam breaking. It gets harder and harder to hold it in. I struggle with the job. I love the job, but ironically, i'm in a job where I am only 1 of 2 black people people and the only black person on my side. I get discriminated against a lot and it is a hard situation to be in because i have found I actually love the job. They fired someone and I asked to be moved into full time, they didn't respond but by the time I came back off of a 3 day weekend they had hired a new fulltime person and reduced me to 2 days a week. So I guess that means I need to look for a new job. I have also been trying to get my husband to move out for like 6 months and i've come to the conclusion that will probably NOT happen and so I am thinking of walking away. Trying to decide if I will take my children or not, If so, How? Where? With a job that has reduced me to 2 days a week.. The house is a wreck, no one cleans, I hide in my car, I sit in it for hours at a time sometimes, in parks, outside my job etc: because i don't want to go home, My house is a wreck, noone cleans it, yes there are roaches, they drive me crazy, I tried to keep it clean but in a house with 4 people and your the only one working at it, its just not possible, and so i hide. Judge me world. I don't care anymore. I feel like i'm dying, I'm going through midlife crisis, I had a moment in time I was feeling better and doing weird things. I started thinking I was pretty and got my hair cut and started wearing stillettoes. (I so can't walk in heels) but it was fun to try. I got my eyebrows done and got 2 tattoos, I even got my nipples pierced.. (gasp!!) I know!! don't ask.. I got a permit to carry a firearm. I dont own one, never shot one and I think Im kind of afraid to touch one but if I ever do get one i will be sure to take classes. The permit was inspired by sometimes, I fall asleep in my car in the park and its dark and im afraid, also sometimes I walk in the dark, but since ive been in such a deep depression lately I havent worked out,, sighh so who knows.. I keep getting twinges in my face, like weird dead spots. I have been in the hospital 2 times for mini strokes. Everything seemed fine, but i still keep having these weird spots on my face, i know its the stress. Im convinced im going to have a stroke and die if I don't get out of this situation im in soon. its really hard as I have no friends or anyone to talk to about it really. I guess that doesn't matter though because there really is no solution to my problems, no easy fix. There is no comfort for the lonely. The pain is ongoing. Invisible to the eye, but no less real.