Raindrops

I have raindrops inside. They constantly flow, even when it's sunny outside. Sometimes I don't know what to say. The despair is so thick. Yet I go on. A small part of me realizes the triumph in this. despite the fact my 19 yr. old daughter got kicked out of college on christmas eve. Despite that same 19 yr. old is now pregnant, despite I have a husband in the house that i can't get the courage to throw out (I've been sleeping on couch for almost 3 years now while he sleeps in my bed), despite the fact after I lost 180lbs. Im now back at 300, Despite the fact that I feel ugly, I have not a single friend. No one to call, No girlfriends and of course due to living situation, no boyfriends. Who would understand my life. Lots of times I walk around holding tears and despair in barely below the surface, hurting so badly sometimes I want to just double over and fall to the ground in pain. Do you know what it's like to hurt so badly, you stop in your tracks and have to force yourself to take another step? The fear that wakes you at night every 2 hours, terrified as if a person with a knife stands over your bed, yet there is no man, and you don't know where the fear comes from, only that it is there, as tangable as the and real as the feeling of raindrops upon an upturned face. Yet I go on. Fighting this war inside with an uncaring army surrounding me, feeding the insurgeants day by day. I walk through this desert alone with no oasis in sight and a gaping wound that no one but the buzzards see. Yet I go on. I get up and go to work, I try to work out, I try to smile, the rain continues to fall inside.. while outside.. the sun is shining...