Sometimes, I want to write but don't know what to say. Sometimes my heart is just filled with so much pain that I feel paralysed inside. Every breath is a labor, every breath hurts physically and mentally. As if there is a knife on the inside. I once saw a saying that went.." It's amazing a heart can feel so much pain and still continue to beat". I understand that. It is accompanied by a weariness of mind, body and soul. They say tears wash the soul, then mine should be squeeky clean, or perhaps worn away by erosion. This feeling strips you of everything, faith, joy, love, comfort. It's like a thief in the night. A spiritual mauling. No one can see the scars, they don't see the tears in the fabric of your bieng, you look perfectly normal to the eye but inside your ripped apart as if some B movie bad guy with blades for fingers has had his way. The tears fall within as much as they do outside. There's confusion, a perplexity that invades you. Why do i feel this way and more importantly why can't I stop? Why do i have this invisible sickness?
Whats wrong with me that I can't just see the good in everything? No food in the house? Why be happy you have a house. You child says the thing he misses about camp is going from 3 meals a day to nothing. Well, least he went to camp. You apply for food stamps and they continually deny you because they lose the paperwork you send in repeatedly and tell you theres nothing they can do, just appeal and try it again. Well, maybe you just really don't need those things anyways, get out of your car and stop crying. Hey there's a perk! you have a car! You get a job because you don't want to be on ssi anymore, good right? What does it matter that your only working part time and they have cut off the food stamps, the ssi completely and raised your rent 200.00 because they count your gross, and the foodstamps were cut off because they assumed you still got ssi AND were working. So what now your children have no food, your utilities are about to be turned off and you barely have any money to get to a part time job. You have a job! So what you have a husband you haven't slept with in 2 years, has a job that brings home less than what you do in a part time job because it goes out to a child he had out of wedlock and wont move out. Well least you have a husband... So what you live in a roach infested house that you can't afford to move out of because you can barely move from depression, and find a place where the landlord doesn't bother you about the portion of rent you don't pay because you don't have that either and even if you could, you cant afford moving costs, a security deposit, have no friends family or support system to think of to help you move should you miraculously manage to do all these things anyways.. Well hell, at least you have a place where the roaches can run right? So what everyday you struggle to get up and want to die inside.. there are people dead everywhere right? Least your alive.
How dare I have the nerve to be depressed and wallow in self pity! How dare I have feelings of despair! How dare I question the reality of a God that allows so much suffering and people who claim these Gods but all seem to have so little understanding or compassion.. I am truly a horrible person am I not? I have so much to be thankful for! Why can't I see it and just be happy go lucky like eveyone else in the world? That is a good question and implore anyone with the answer to please contact me and let me know....
