I’ve been thinking about creating this blog for some time now but like many depressives it took me this long just to decide. What shall I name my blog? What will I say? Will anyone read it? Does anyone care? Where do I begin? If you’re a depressive you know exactly what I mean. It seems like every decision could have huge and dire consequences and require much thought. I admit I tried my hand at blogging before, it was a weight loss blog, I wasn’t very successful at it, mainly because those blogs all seemed to be so, well so damn happy. It felt unreal to me. I couldn’t relate, I felt like a downer. My weight loss journey, hell my LIFE is more about tears and anger and frustration, hiding, feeling lonely and obsessing about things. Happy is an emotion like a holiday or a birthday. Once in a while or once a year if I’m lucky ya know.
This is going to be about me; my journey. Where I’ve come from, where I am and where I’m going. It’s going to include all of my bad times and all of my good times; it’s going to be about all of my frustrations and all of my successes. This is going to be about the real me. Take it as it is or leave it. This is a journey of discovery for me. Maybe by doing this I can get a grasp on my life. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired, and scared. Here I will do a brief synopsis.
I’m 40 yrs. Old. I’m a mother of 2. I’m married. I’ve been depressed seemingly forever, I’ve been on every medicine you can imagine, I became diabetic as a result of the medication and obese to the size of 385 lbs., it also crippled me to the point I became disabled and am on disability. I met my savior in the form of a therapist named Dr. Jen. I am now 130 lbs. lighter, not on any medication, I’m no longer considered diabetic, I’m 5 days from finishing a 1 year associates degree program and I’m going to leave my husband.
I feel like I’m fighting for my life. I’m treading water and as soon as I stop I will drown. I’m afraid to live and I’m afraid to die. What if there’s a worse hell waiting for me on the other side. I’m going to end this now. I have a lot to think about. I hope if nothing else my story helps or encourages someone.
