I don't really know where to begin. I haven't been around because i've been dealing with so much. I still haven't found a job but i've been looking. So many conflicting feelings associated with that. I haven't worked in so long but I don't have a choice. Home life is so bad right now. I want to pick up my son and leave. Sometimes I feel like a shelter would be better. I'm so tired of bieng responisble for everything myself. I mean it's so rediculous. It's like I have 3 children but i only gave birth to 2. I really feel like I need to be on my own and it's such a scary process. I feel really bad, tomorrow is Thanksgiving and for the first time ever I don't have anything to cook. The cable and internet are off and I don't have those little boxes which cost 50 dollars each for the T.V. so it's going to make for a pretty gloomy day. Sometimes I think I've run out of tears, the worst of it is this feeling of loneliness. It's the worst early in the morning when I want to get up and maybe clean my room or walk around but can't because someone else is sleeping there. Usually until VERy late in the day because they stay up half the damn night.
Have you ever walked through a haunted house where it's so scary that half way through you kind of freeze. Your so terrified to go ahead and your terrified to go back at the same time but you know you have to move if your ever going to even have a chance to get out? My life is like that. I feel so cheated and yes i know thinking like that isn't productive yada yada.. but it's true. Ive sacrificed so much and all I want is to be happy. Sigh. it's 9 o'clock in the morning and everyone in my house is asleep so I sit here, pretty much in the dark, leeching internet from neighbors for the last 4 hours!! I can't go anywhere because I don't have 5 dollars to my name, my car radiator has a crack in it and the van thats worthless that i pay 340 dollars a month for needs a new battery. I just paid out 165 dollars on it for a new ignition switch. Our phones went off so i had to pay them, I told my husband i had to pay phone and electric and since his check was so small we had to be careful, we have another 2 weeks to try and make it. I get up and on a hunch a few days later check the account, he's taken out money for weed, the accounts overdrawn, I only have 5 dollars, so i had to borrow from my grandma to cover that and get a little bit of gas in my car. It pissed me off so bad!! First off since i'm the one that is making these payment arrangements with these bill collectors, im the one who has to manage the little bit of money your bringing AFTER the child support goes out, most of which goes to a child you cheated on me and had. The LEAST i expect is ASk me do we have enough money to do x,y,z right? At least do something other than make excuses to get more money into this house to support your family and your habit. granted i'm not working but i do have income and at this point i don't have a choice. I feel like wether i'm mentally healthy enough to sustain and maintain a job, I have to risk that income for more. I can't continue to live like this. It's killing me. Slowly. I don't want to be here anymore. I wish I could just; not die but maybe become a ball of energy to just float and be free, never having to feel the anger, the bitterness, the lonliness, the needyness, the fear, the anxiety, the angst, the pressure, the disappointment, the insomnia, the self hate, that turns inward and to my body. I feel all of these things on a daily basis, how can anyone person deal with that without exploding? I wouldn't believe it was possibly if i wasn't the one going through it. If i could have anything in the world right now that I think would make my life better, what would it be. im going to take a moment and examine this...
1. I would have a healthy mind
2. A job I loved and could sustain.
3. To be self sufficient. No government agency's assistance for anything.
4. Be single. I think I need time to have a chance in my life to only be responsible for me and who I choose! My son would be in there because he's only a child still.
5. Someone who loved me and made me feel attractive and sexy and like a woman and made ME feel taken care of for a change.
I think that about covers the basics.. Seems so simple when listed but these things seem as far away as the moon. sigh..
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Get over it!!
People tell me all the time i'm a negative person. All i see is the bad. To me i'm a realist. I see things as they are. It confuses me when when people tell me things like, stop looking back and get over it. It feels so easy to say when you haven't had to live that life.
My mom had me when she was 16 years old. Then she had my brother 3 yrs. later, then another brother. My father was the husband of a woman who my mother used to baby sit for. Coincidently, my youngest brother's father is my fathers brother-in-law. My dad's, wifes brother. I digress. What's important here is a 16 year old mother. By the time she was 22 she had 3 children. My earliest memory is of bieng a baby sitter to my 2 brothers. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without them and I had to watch them while she went to work. She was an angry person. I got beat a lot for things I didn't do, If my brothers did something such as break something or got into trouble on my "watch" which was all the time. I got beat. she had an extention cord she seperated and braided, folded in half and taped the ends. If it was just beatings maybe i could have recovered but the mental abuse has done so much more damage. I wet the bed until i was 16 yrs. old. I got beat for that also. I'm sure you can imagine how that endeared me to other children on sleepovers and camp outtings. I began having panic attacks by the time I was in the 3rd grade.
She never told me she loved me and i NEEDED that so badly, She never hugged me/us. Everything was my fault, if she broke up with her boyfriends it was our fault, when our house got robbed while i was a teen, it was my fault. I always had to come straight home from school, I became bookish, books were my friend, my life, my escape. I would read and pretend I was those people or had those lives. I retreated from real life to survive. I never felt like i fit in anywhere. I tried to commit suicide at 16. You have to understand. My entire life was spent craving a mom and her approval. Nothing was ever right or good enough so i would try again and again. I wanted a mom like everyone elses but instead, I was a responsible adult by 10 with 3 kids. Her and my 2 brothers.
So when people say to me, your an adult now you have to move on. How can I move on? Ive been an adult for at least 30 years. I was never a child, I have no social skills, I don't know how to make and keep friends, I feel like an outsider looking in. At 16 i was getting utilities turned on in my name, dealing with my brothers school teachers. My baby brothers friends all thought i was his mom, he even called me mom. How do i "get over it" don't i have to know something else is possible to do that?
It's horrible, I look at pictures on facebook that people take on outtings and see the way they're so happy and free and enjoying themselves and wish i could be that. I go to clubs and wish i could drink and be happy and fit in. I want to be able to laugh and joke and enjoy life. I crave it so badly it makes me want to cry. I want to be them but i feel so out of place in social settings, so alone it's like inside i'm screaming for someone to save me. The pain must show on my face. I don't know how to hide it, i'm always lost in thought, So analytical. I can't even believe or enjoy a mans compliment.
To say, get over it and stop looking back is an inadequate response for me. It's as foriegn as saying to me, your an adult so go design a building, or telling a new born baby, just get up walk. These are things that are learned. I never learned them!! Don't they understand?? I don't know how to be free because i've never been free. I don't know how to maintain a frendship because i've never had friendships growing up. I don't know how to be happy because I have never been truly happy. I don't know what happy is! Where are the classes at that will teach me these things as an adult? Where are the teachers that will take me by the hand and teach me, lead by example. Sometimes i want to die but i'm afraid to die also. What if it's just as bad on the other side.
Instead I obesses about things and isolate. I eat and eat and eat and then i work out until i'm in pain sometimes so bad all i can do is lay and cry. I don't want to be negative but i don't know positive.
I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I don't know what to do.
My mom had me when she was 16 years old. Then she had my brother 3 yrs. later, then another brother. My father was the husband of a woman who my mother used to baby sit for. Coincidently, my youngest brother's father is my fathers brother-in-law. My dad's, wifes brother. I digress. What's important here is a 16 year old mother. By the time she was 22 she had 3 children. My earliest memory is of bieng a baby sitter to my 2 brothers. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without them and I had to watch them while she went to work. She was an angry person. I got beat a lot for things I didn't do, If my brothers did something such as break something or got into trouble on my "watch" which was all the time. I got beat. she had an extention cord she seperated and braided, folded in half and taped the ends. If it was just beatings maybe i could have recovered but the mental abuse has done so much more damage. I wet the bed until i was 16 yrs. old. I got beat for that also. I'm sure you can imagine how that endeared me to other children on sleepovers and camp outtings. I began having panic attacks by the time I was in the 3rd grade.
She never told me she loved me and i NEEDED that so badly, She never hugged me/us. Everything was my fault, if she broke up with her boyfriends it was our fault, when our house got robbed while i was a teen, it was my fault. I always had to come straight home from school, I became bookish, books were my friend, my life, my escape. I would read and pretend I was those people or had those lives. I retreated from real life to survive. I never felt like i fit in anywhere. I tried to commit suicide at 16. You have to understand. My entire life was spent craving a mom and her approval. Nothing was ever right or good enough so i would try again and again. I wanted a mom like everyone elses but instead, I was a responsible adult by 10 with 3 kids. Her and my 2 brothers.
So when people say to me, your an adult now you have to move on. How can I move on? Ive been an adult for at least 30 years. I was never a child, I have no social skills, I don't know how to make and keep friends, I feel like an outsider looking in. At 16 i was getting utilities turned on in my name, dealing with my brothers school teachers. My baby brothers friends all thought i was his mom, he even called me mom. How do i "get over it" don't i have to know something else is possible to do that?
It's horrible, I look at pictures on facebook that people take on outtings and see the way they're so happy and free and enjoying themselves and wish i could be that. I go to clubs and wish i could drink and be happy and fit in. I want to be able to laugh and joke and enjoy life. I crave it so badly it makes me want to cry. I want to be them but i feel so out of place in social settings, so alone it's like inside i'm screaming for someone to save me. The pain must show on my face. I don't know how to hide it, i'm always lost in thought, So analytical. I can't even believe or enjoy a mans compliment.
To say, get over it and stop looking back is an inadequate response for me. It's as foriegn as saying to me, your an adult so go design a building, or telling a new born baby, just get up walk. These are things that are learned. I never learned them!! Don't they understand?? I don't know how to be free because i've never been free. I don't know how to maintain a frendship because i've never had friendships growing up. I don't know how to be happy because I have never been truly happy. I don't know what happy is! Where are the classes at that will teach me these things as an adult? Where are the teachers that will take me by the hand and teach me, lead by example. Sometimes i want to die but i'm afraid to die also. What if it's just as bad on the other side.
Instead I obesses about things and isolate. I eat and eat and eat and then i work out until i'm in pain sometimes so bad all i can do is lay and cry. I don't want to be negative but i don't know positive.
I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I don't know what to do.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Tears do not wash the soul...
Ive been crying all day today off and on. Ive been binge eatting for about 4 days. There are so many issues I don't know where to begin. I graduated, well finished school on Tuesday and I got my associates degree. I feel i guess if i'm honest. Scared. I have for the last almost 2 years thrown myself into working out and school full time for almost the last 2 years. Now I have gained weight and schools over. I think i'm terified of sliding back down into the depression and obesity. To add to that, I of course have self esteem issues. I have a boyfriend i met almost 2 years ago in an online chat room. In the beginning things were great. He made me feel special, he encouraged me, took care of me, sex was great.
I have always been very self concious about my body. First overweight, then less overweight but way more saggy. I've always felt as a dark skinned black girl i wasn't pretty enough, but he made me feel sexy and beautiful. I found myself sexually free and comfortable for the first time in many years. Then slowly things started to change. I guess i noticed with the oral sex first, he stopped, now i have to admit im not overly crazy about oral sex but it's one of the things he always claimed he loved doing so much and he just stopped, Then i noticed that he wasn't as touchy with me. he used to want to see me on cam, want pictures of me, call and text me multiple times a day, sexy things, we would only see each other maybe once a month but he wouldn't touch me, i would feel lucky if we had sex once around my last day and before where it was sexy and many positions and fun now it consisted of me performing oral sex and climbing ontop for what amounts to a quicky, of course i began to feel like it was me. maybe i wasnt sexy enough, maybe my body wasn't desireable it hurt a lot. It still hurts, I did talk to him a little bit about it but he said he had been tired etc: which is understandable, he works 2 jobs, both fulltime, he's dealing with debt and things. It was really hard for me because i want to be a sexual person, I want to be loved and touched and held and feel like someone desires me as much as i desire them.
I went to be with him for 5 days this past week, we had sex once, the same way as described above. A few hours before i left i had to do a couple things on his pc and discovered accidently (it popped open as soon as i turned on the pc) that he is still using the same chat site that i thought we had both stopped using, i was upset but i didnt let it show, i have logged on once in a while just to say hi to someone, I never went into rooms, or cammed or spent more than maybe 5 or 10 minutes on so no big deal right, doesnt mean he's doing anything wrong.
However, when i was working on the pc i had to download something and couldnt find it so i went into the recent changes folder to see if i could see where it went. There i saw a picture of a girls naked behind, i look up at path bar and it says received files. ok so maybe hes had that forever right so before i get myself all upset, i simply right click and look at properties, the file was recieved 7 days before my visit, there was another of a naked vagina, also in the same month, so not only is he chatting, he's looking at cams and women are sending him pictures of body parts. Add to that my body self esteem issues, his teasing me about my flat butt, me having an issue with not liking the way my vagina looks after childbirth, his barely touching me in a sexual way, kissing me like closed mouth grandma kisses, barely getting any sex and im coming up with all these excuses as to why, tired, low sex drive, maybe it'll get better, whatever. This hit me like a blow to the gut. He knows somethings wrong but i keep saying nothing because theres no excuse, no explanation that will make this better. He knows something is wrong but i kept insisting there wasnt and wouldnt talk to him, i guess now he's decided he doesnt want to talk to me either, he hasnt answered my texts or calls since i got home.
worse thing is. I sit here crying and hating myself and hating my life and hating bieng me. I feel physically sick and weak and helpless and i hurt so so so bad and feel so lonely. They say tears wash the soul, I guess mine is to dirty to be cleaned.
I have always been very self concious about my body. First overweight, then less overweight but way more saggy. I've always felt as a dark skinned black girl i wasn't pretty enough, but he made me feel sexy and beautiful. I found myself sexually free and comfortable for the first time in many years. Then slowly things started to change. I guess i noticed with the oral sex first, he stopped, now i have to admit im not overly crazy about oral sex but it's one of the things he always claimed he loved doing so much and he just stopped, Then i noticed that he wasn't as touchy with me. he used to want to see me on cam, want pictures of me, call and text me multiple times a day, sexy things, we would only see each other maybe once a month but he wouldn't touch me, i would feel lucky if we had sex once around my last day and before where it was sexy and many positions and fun now it consisted of me performing oral sex and climbing ontop for what amounts to a quicky, of course i began to feel like it was me. maybe i wasnt sexy enough, maybe my body wasn't desireable it hurt a lot. It still hurts, I did talk to him a little bit about it but he said he had been tired etc: which is understandable, he works 2 jobs, both fulltime, he's dealing with debt and things. It was really hard for me because i want to be a sexual person, I want to be loved and touched and held and feel like someone desires me as much as i desire them.
I went to be with him for 5 days this past week, we had sex once, the same way as described above. A few hours before i left i had to do a couple things on his pc and discovered accidently (it popped open as soon as i turned on the pc) that he is still using the same chat site that i thought we had both stopped using, i was upset but i didnt let it show, i have logged on once in a while just to say hi to someone, I never went into rooms, or cammed or spent more than maybe 5 or 10 minutes on so no big deal right, doesnt mean he's doing anything wrong.
However, when i was working on the pc i had to download something and couldnt find it so i went into the recent changes folder to see if i could see where it went. There i saw a picture of a girls naked behind, i look up at path bar and it says received files. ok so maybe hes had that forever right so before i get myself all upset, i simply right click and look at properties, the file was recieved 7 days before my visit, there was another of a naked vagina, also in the same month, so not only is he chatting, he's looking at cams and women are sending him pictures of body parts. Add to that my body self esteem issues, his teasing me about my flat butt, me having an issue with not liking the way my vagina looks after childbirth, his barely touching me in a sexual way, kissing me like closed mouth grandma kisses, barely getting any sex and im coming up with all these excuses as to why, tired, low sex drive, maybe it'll get better, whatever. This hit me like a blow to the gut. He knows somethings wrong but i keep saying nothing because theres no excuse, no explanation that will make this better. He knows something is wrong but i kept insisting there wasnt and wouldnt talk to him, i guess now he's decided he doesnt want to talk to me either, he hasnt answered my texts or calls since i got home.
worse thing is. I sit here crying and hating myself and hating my life and hating bieng me. I feel physically sick and weak and helpless and i hurt so so so bad and feel so lonely. They say tears wash the soul, I guess mine is to dirty to be cleaned.
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