I think I'm going to try to be better about blogging. I need it. I have sunk to an all time low. Bieng back on antidepressants has not been the greatest experience for me so far. My doc tried Lexapro which for some reason had me eating out of control. I craved sweets like nobodys business, Plus we added Topamax because I couldn't sleep. I gained 20 pounds before we figured out what was going on ,which is a HUGE setback for me. My weight is a primary fuel source for the depression in me. I now sit at 270 which is 40 pounds higher than my lowest and almost 100 pounds from where I would like to be. I obsess about it constantly. I have no energy and am always sleeping, I went from bieng a member of 3 gyms and exercising 4-5 times a week to none. I'm so frustrated and confused. Currently and I'm ashamed to say this because I KNOW in my heart it's not right but I can't stop myself. I'm starving myself. For the last 3 days I have only eaten 1 meal each day and try and make sure it's well under 1000 calories. I'm an intelligent person, I know this isn't the way but my mind keeps telling me that if I keep eating I'll keep gaining and will be 300+ lbs again before I know it and that would just be death for me. I notice these thoughts coming more and more despite the medication and talk therapy and thats why I decided to try to blog it out. Depression is the weirdest disease, It's like bieng at war with your own brain. I do all this research, I can get a degree but I can't convince myself to eat food, to NOT think about throwing up, or taking diet pills, or various other ways of drastically losing weight. It circles my mind like a merri go round and I can't stop the thoughts. The best I can do is compromise with it, not eating seems to be the least dangerous. How much sense does that make? I know when I say it how rediculous it sounds..
One day at a time I suppose, thats all I can do..
