Get over it!!

People tell me all the time i'm a negative person. All i see is the bad. To me i'm a realist. I see things as they are. It confuses me when when people tell me things like, stop looking back and get over it. It feels so easy to say when you haven't had to live that life.

My mom had me when she was 16 years old. Then she had my brother 3 yrs. later, then another brother. My father was the husband of a woman who my mother used to baby sit for. Coincidently, my youngest brother's father is my fathers brother-in-law. My dad's, wifes brother. I digress. What's important here is a 16 year old mother. By the time she was 22 she had 3 children. My earliest memory is of bieng a baby sitter to my 2 brothers. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without them and I had to watch them while she went to work. She was an angry person. I got beat a lot for things I didn't do, If my brothers did something such as break something or got into trouble on my "watch" which was all the time. I got beat. she had an extention cord she seperated and braided, folded in half and taped the ends. If it was just beatings maybe i could have recovered but the mental abuse has done so much more damage. I wet the bed until i was 16 yrs. old. I got beat for that also. I'm sure you can imagine how that endeared me to other children on sleepovers and camp outtings. I began having panic attacks by the time I was in the 3rd grade.

She never told me she loved me and i NEEDED that so badly, She never hugged me/us. Everything was my fault, if she broke up with her boyfriends it was our fault, when our house got robbed while i was a teen, it was my fault. I always had to come straight home from school, I became bookish, books were my friend, my life, my escape. I would read and pretend I was those people or had those lives. I retreated from real life to survive. I never felt like i fit in anywhere. I tried to commit suicide at 16. You have to understand. My entire life was spent craving a mom and her approval. Nothing was ever right or good enough so i would try again and again. I wanted a mom like everyone elses but instead, I was a responsible adult by 10 with 3 kids. Her and my 2 brothers.

So when people say to me, your an adult now you have to move on. How can I move on? Ive been an adult for at least 30 years. I was never a child, I have no social skills, I don't know how to make and keep friends, I feel like an outsider looking in. At 16 i was getting utilities turned on in my name, dealing with my brothers school teachers. My baby brothers friends all thought i was his mom, he even called me mom. How do i "get over it" don't i have to know something else is possible to do that?

It's horrible, I look at pictures on facebook that people take on outtings and see the way they're so happy and free and enjoying themselves and wish i could be that. I go to clubs and wish i could drink and be happy and fit in. I want to be able to laugh and joke and enjoy life. I crave it so badly it makes me want to cry. I want to be them but i feel so out of place in social settings, so alone it's like inside i'm screaming for someone to save me. The pain must show on my face. I don't know how to hide it, i'm always lost in thought, So analytical. I can't even believe or enjoy a mans compliment.

To say, get over it and stop looking back is an inadequate response for me. It's as foriegn as saying to me, your an adult so go design a building, or telling a new born baby, just get up walk. These are things that are learned. I never learned them!! Don't they understand?? I don't know how to be free because i've never been free. I don't know how to maintain a frendship because i've never had friendships growing up. I don't know how to be happy because I have never been truly happy. I don't know what happy is! Where are the classes at that will teach me these things as an adult? Where are the teachers that will take me by the hand and teach me, lead by example. Sometimes i want to die but i'm afraid to die also. What if it's just as bad on the other side.

Instead I obesses about things and isolate. I eat and eat and eat and then i work out until i'm in pain sometimes so bad all i can do is lay and cry. I don't want to be negative but i don't know positive.

I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I don't know what to do.