It's been a long time..

I think I'm going to try to be better about blogging. I need it. I have sunk to an all time low. Bieng back on antidepressants has not been the greatest experience for me so far. My doc tried Lexapro which for some reason had me eating out of control. I craved sweets like nobodys business, Plus we added Topamax because I couldn't sleep. I gained 20 pounds before we figured out what was going on ,which is a HUGE setback for me. My weight is a primary fuel source for the depression in me. I now sit at 270 which is 40 pounds higher than my lowest and almost 100 pounds from where I would like to be. I obsess about it constantly. I have no energy and am always sleeping, I went from bieng a member of 3 gyms and exercising 4-5 times a week to none. I'm so frustrated and confused. Currently and I'm ashamed to say this because I KNOW in my heart it's not right but I can't stop myself. I'm starving myself. For the last 3 days I have only eaten 1 meal each day and try and make sure it's well under 1000 calories. I'm an intelligent person, I know this isn't the way but my mind keeps telling me that if I keep eating I'll keep gaining and will be 300+ lbs again before I know it and that would just be death for me. I notice these thoughts coming more and more despite the medication and talk therapy and thats why I decided to try to blog it out. Depression is the weirdest disease, It's like bieng at war with your own brain. I do all this research, I can get a degree but I can't convince myself to eat food, to NOT think about throwing up, or taking diet pills, or various other ways of drastically losing weight. It circles my mind like a merri go round and I can't stop the thoughts. The best I can do is compromise with it, not eating seems to be the least dangerous. How much sense does that make? I know when I say it how rediculous it sounds..

One day at a time I suppose, thats all I can do..

Where do I go from here???

Today at work was really hard. I am so tired of being treated like I am less than. I was going to go into the whole story of what's wrong but I just can't. I am just TOO tired. I feel like they are trying to get rid of me. Today I had to go to the bathroom in tears. I don't think I'm too much longer for this job and i guess it's ok as I'm not wanted anyway. It hurts though because it was so hard to get to this point. I struggled so hard. Hell I struggle so hard. I get so tired. I had gotten off the anti depressants, I had lost 151 pounds, I finished school, the 3 surgeries, I've done so much, fought so hard I can't help but wonder when will it end? I try not to get into the "why me's" because I know thats not a good road to be on but I'm so tired. Ive taken to leaving work and going to the park and just falling asleep in my car, I'm back on 2 low does of antidepressants, I'm eating like shit but still struggling to work out. I have gained 25 pounds that I haven't been able to get off for the last year. it's like climbing a muddy hill that someone keeps pouring water on, making it ever more slippery.  Everytime I gain a little ground I slide back down. Im living but i'm not alive. I exist. I take up space. I continue to fight because i don't know how to do anything else. I don't even know what it is I'm fighting for anymore........

I think even though I can't really afford it, and although it may cause a fight with my kids father, im going to check into a hotel for 2 days this weekend. Maybe I just need to take my bible and a notebook and sit and plan or cry or just allow whatever pentup feelings come out, come out and hopefully come away refreshed and with a new plan in hand...

Holding on by a thread

I am here, I have thought so many times of writing but the words always get caught in my throat. I don't want to put pen to paper because of the fear of the dam breaking. It gets harder and harder to hold it in. I struggle with the job. I love the job, but ironically, i'm in a job where I am only 1 of 2 black people people and the only black person on my side. I get discriminated against a lot and it is a hard situation to be in because i have found I actually love the job. They fired someone and I asked to be moved into full time, they didn't respond but by the time I came back off of a 3 day weekend they had hired a new fulltime person and reduced me to 2 days a week. So I guess that means I need to look for a new job. I have also been trying to get my husband to move out for like 6 months and i've come to the conclusion that will probably NOT happen and so I am thinking of walking away. Trying to decide if I will take my children or not, If so, How? Where? With a job that has reduced me to 2 days a week.. The house is a wreck, no one cleans, I hide in my car, I sit in it for hours at a time sometimes, in parks, outside my job etc: because i don't want to go home, My house is a wreck, noone cleans it, yes there are roaches, they drive me crazy, I tried to keep it clean but in a house with 4 people and your the only one working at it, its just not possible, and so i hide. Judge me world. I don't care anymore. I feel like i'm dying, I'm going through midlife crisis, I had a moment in time I was feeling better and doing weird things. I started thinking I was pretty and got my hair cut and started wearing stillettoes. (I so can't walk in heels) but it was fun to try. I got my eyebrows done and got 2 tattoos, I even got my nipples pierced.. (gasp!!) I know!! don't ask.. I got a permit to carry a firearm. I dont own one, never shot one and I think Im kind of afraid to touch one but if I ever do get one i will be sure to take classes. The permit was inspired by sometimes, I fall asleep in my car in the park and its dark and im afraid, also sometimes I walk in the dark, but since ive been in such a deep depression lately I havent worked out,, sighh so who knows.. I keep getting twinges in my face, like weird dead spots. I have been in the hospital 2 times for mini strokes. Everything seemed fine, but i still keep having these weird spots on my face, i know its the stress. Im convinced im going to have a stroke and die if I don't get out of this situation im in soon. its really hard as I have no friends or anyone to talk to about it really. I guess that doesn't matter though because there really is no solution to my problems, no easy fix. There is no comfort for the lonely. The pain is ongoing. Invisible to the eye, but no less real.

A moment in time

I know it's been a moment since I have written. I just can't it seems. Thank you Juliet for caring, sometimes thinking about that gives me the strength to keep moving. I haven't written becuase I don't know what to write. Sometimes I sit and i don't know where to begin. I feel like if i begin to let this monster out it will all fall apart this carefully constructed facade I am currently using to get through my days. I have put up an inpenetrable shield.. for now. I have a job now, it's part time. I work in a bank. Some days are harder than others but I think it's good for me in the long run. It forces me to fight to be seen instead of hiding. It is actually time for me to go to work now but I promise my next days off I will check in and catch up. Im not going to lie though. Im scared, I wake up frustrated every morning with a nameless fear that I am afraid to look at too closely for fear It will be too much. I will try though. As long as I know someone out there who cares, I will use that to help give me the courage to try.

(hugs)

Trina

nothingness

I'm not sure what to write. Last night I typed into the search box on my computer. I want to die. I'm numb inside, not suicidal. Just numb and words can't explain the magnitude of what im going through, what i'm feeling, the nothingness that ive become. I have seen my therapist and we agreed to try something to lift my mood. Thing is she and her colleague, a psychiatrist and myself know i'm not clinically depressed. it's just right now my life is so crappy even she's astounded at the rate bad things seem to happen to me. continually. and it's just me. no friends, noone to talk too.. no support system.. no outlet.. I carry so much weight on my shoulders. I'm just going to stop talking right now. If your a prayer. Pray. If not..

Random whining....

I don't really know where to begin. I haven't been around because i've been dealing with so much. I still haven't found a job but i've been looking. So many conflicting feelings associated with that. I haven't worked in so long but I don't have a choice. Home life is so bad right now. I want to pick up my son and leave. Sometimes I feel like a shelter would be better. I'm so tired of bieng responisble for everything myself. I mean it's so rediculous. It's like I have 3 children but i only gave birth to 2. I really feel like I need to be on my own and it's such a scary process. I feel really bad, tomorrow is Thanksgiving and for the first time ever I don't have anything to cook. The cable and internet are off and I don't have those little boxes which cost 50 dollars each for the T.V. so it's going to make for a pretty gloomy day. Sometimes I think I've run out of tears, the worst of it is this feeling of loneliness. It's the worst early in the morning when I want to get up and maybe clean my room or walk around but can't because someone else is sleeping there. Usually until VERy late in the day because they stay up half the damn night.

Have you ever walked through a haunted house where it's so scary that half way through you kind of freeze. Your so terrified to go ahead and your terrified to go back at the same time but you know you have to move if your ever going to even have a chance to get out? My life is like that. I feel so cheated and yes i know thinking like that isn't productive yada yada.. but it's true. Ive sacrificed so much and all I want is to be happy. Sigh. it's 9 o'clock in the morning and everyone in my house is asleep so I sit here, pretty much in the dark, leeching internet from neighbors for the last 4 hours!! I can't go anywhere because I don't have 5 dollars to my name, my car radiator has a crack in it and the van thats worthless that i pay 340 dollars a month for needs a new battery. I just paid out 165 dollars on it for a new ignition switch. Our phones went off so i had to pay them, I told my husband i had to pay phone and electric and since his check was so small we had to be careful, we have another 2 weeks to try and make it. I get up and on a hunch a few days later check the account, he's taken out money for weed, the accounts overdrawn, I only have 5 dollars, so i had to borrow from my grandma to cover that and get a little bit of gas in my car. It pissed me off so bad!! First off since i'm the one that is making these payment arrangements with these bill collectors, im the one who has to manage the little bit of money your bringing AFTER the child support goes out, most of which goes to a child you cheated on me and had. The LEAST i expect is ASk me do we have enough money to do x,y,z right? At least do something other than make excuses to get more money into this house to support your family and your habit. granted i'm not working but i do have income and at this point i don't have a choice. I feel like wether i'm mentally healthy enough to sustain and maintain a job, I have to risk that income for more. I can't continue to live like this. It's killing me. Slowly. I don't want to be here anymore. I wish I could just; not die but maybe become a ball of energy to just float and be free, never having to feel the anger, the bitterness, the lonliness, the needyness, the fear, the anxiety, the angst, the pressure, the disappointment, the insomnia, the self hate, that turns inward and to my body. I feel all of these things on a daily basis, how can anyone person deal with that without exploding? I wouldn't believe it was possibly if i wasn't the one going through it. If i could have anything in the world right now that I think would make my life better, what would it be. im going to take a moment and examine this...

1. I would have a healthy mind
2. A job I loved and could sustain.
3. To be self sufficient. No government agency's assistance for anything.
4. Be single. I think I need time to have a chance in my life to only be responsible for me and who I choose! My son would be in there because he's only a child still.
5. Someone who loved me and made me feel attractive and sexy and like a woman and made ME feel taken care of for a change.

I think that about covers the basics.. Seems so simple when listed but these things seem as far away as the moon. sigh..

Get over it!!

People tell me all the time i'm a negative person. All i see is the bad. To me i'm a realist. I see things as they are. It confuses me when when people tell me things like, stop looking back and get over it. It feels so easy to say when you haven't had to live that life.

My mom had me when she was 16 years old. Then she had my brother 3 yrs. later, then another brother. My father was the husband of a woman who my mother used to baby sit for. Coincidently, my youngest brother's father is my fathers brother-in-law. My dad's, wifes brother. I digress. What's important here is a 16 year old mother. By the time she was 22 she had 3 children. My earliest memory is of bieng a baby sitter to my 2 brothers. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without them and I had to watch them while she went to work. She was an angry person. I got beat a lot for things I didn't do, If my brothers did something such as break something or got into trouble on my "watch" which was all the time. I got beat. she had an extention cord she seperated and braided, folded in half and taped the ends. If it was just beatings maybe i could have recovered but the mental abuse has done so much more damage. I wet the bed until i was 16 yrs. old. I got beat for that also. I'm sure you can imagine how that endeared me to other children on sleepovers and camp outtings. I began having panic attacks by the time I was in the 3rd grade.

She never told me she loved me and i NEEDED that so badly, She never hugged me/us. Everything was my fault, if she broke up with her boyfriends it was our fault, when our house got robbed while i was a teen, it was my fault. I always had to come straight home from school, I became bookish, books were my friend, my life, my escape. I would read and pretend I was those people or had those lives. I retreated from real life to survive. I never felt like i fit in anywhere. I tried to commit suicide at 16. You have to understand. My entire life was spent craving a mom and her approval. Nothing was ever right or good enough so i would try again and again. I wanted a mom like everyone elses but instead, I was a responsible adult by 10 with 3 kids. Her and my 2 brothers.

So when people say to me, your an adult now you have to move on. How can I move on? Ive been an adult for at least 30 years. I was never a child, I have no social skills, I don't know how to make and keep friends, I feel like an outsider looking in. At 16 i was getting utilities turned on in my name, dealing with my brothers school teachers. My baby brothers friends all thought i was his mom, he even called me mom. How do i "get over it" don't i have to know something else is possible to do that?

It's horrible, I look at pictures on facebook that people take on outtings and see the way they're so happy and free and enjoying themselves and wish i could be that. I go to clubs and wish i could drink and be happy and fit in. I want to be able to laugh and joke and enjoy life. I crave it so badly it makes me want to cry. I want to be them but i feel so out of place in social settings, so alone it's like inside i'm screaming for someone to save me. The pain must show on my face. I don't know how to hide it, i'm always lost in thought, So analytical. I can't even believe or enjoy a mans compliment.

To say, get over it and stop looking back is an inadequate response for me. It's as foriegn as saying to me, your an adult so go design a building, or telling a new born baby, just get up walk. These are things that are learned. I never learned them!! Don't they understand?? I don't know how to be free because i've never been free. I don't know how to maintain a frendship because i've never had friendships growing up. I don't know how to be happy because I have never been truly happy. I don't know what happy is! Where are the classes at that will teach me these things as an adult? Where are the teachers that will take me by the hand and teach me, lead by example. Sometimes i want to die but i'm afraid to die also. What if it's just as bad on the other side.

Instead I obesses about things and isolate. I eat and eat and eat and then i work out until i'm in pain sometimes so bad all i can do is lay and cry. I don't want to be negative but i don't know positive.

I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I don't know what to do.

Tears do not wash the soul...

Ive been crying all day today off and on. Ive been binge eatting for about 4 days. There are so many issues I don't know where to begin. I graduated, well finished school on Tuesday and I got my associates degree. I feel i guess if i'm honest. Scared. I have for the last almost 2 years thrown myself into working out and school full time for almost the last 2 years.  Now I have gained weight and schools over. I think i'm terified of sliding back down into the depression and obesity. To add to that, I of course have self esteem issues. I have a boyfriend i met almost 2 years ago in an online chat room. In the beginning things were great. He made me feel special, he encouraged me, took care of me, sex was great.

I have always been very self concious about my body. First overweight, then less overweight but way more saggy. I've always felt as a dark skinned black girl i wasn't pretty enough, but he made me feel sexy and beautiful. I found myself sexually free and comfortable for the first time in many years. Then slowly things started to change. I guess i noticed with the oral sex first, he stopped, now i have to admit im not overly crazy about oral sex but it's one of the things he always claimed he loved doing so much and he just stopped, Then i noticed that he wasn't as touchy with me. he used to want to see me on cam, want pictures of me, call and text me multiple times a day, sexy things, we would only see each other maybe once a month but he wouldn't touch me, i would feel lucky if we had sex once around my last day and before where it was sexy and many positions and fun now it consisted of me performing oral sex and climbing ontop for what amounts to a quicky, of course i began to feel like it was me. maybe i wasnt sexy enough, maybe my body wasn't desireable it hurt a lot. It still hurts, I did talk to him a little bit about it but he said he had been tired etc: which is understandable, he works 2 jobs, both fulltime, he's dealing with debt and things. It was really hard for me because i want to be a sexual person, I want to be loved and touched and held and feel like someone desires me as much as i desire them.

I went to be with him for 5 days this past week, we had sex once, the same way as described above. A few hours before i left i had to do a couple things on his pc and discovered accidently (it popped open as soon as i turned on the pc) that he is still using the same chat site that i thought we had both stopped using, i was upset but i didnt let it show, i have logged on once in a while just to say hi to someone, I never went into rooms, or cammed or spent more than maybe 5 or 10 minutes on so no big deal right, doesnt mean he's doing anything wrong.

However, when i was working on the pc i had to download something and couldnt find it so i went into the recent changes folder to see if i could see where it went. There i saw a picture of a girls naked behind, i look up at path bar and it says received files. ok so maybe hes had that forever right so before i get myself all upset, i simply right click and look at properties, the file was recieved 7 days before my visit, there was another of a naked vagina, also in the same month, so not only is he chatting, he's looking at cams and women are sending him pictures of body parts. Add to that my body self esteem issues, his teasing me about my flat butt, me having an issue with not liking the way my vagina looks after childbirth, his barely touching me in a sexual way, kissing me like closed mouth grandma kisses, barely getting any sex and im coming up with all these excuses as to why, tired, low sex drive, maybe it'll get better, whatever. This hit me like a blow to the gut. He knows somethings wrong but i keep saying nothing because theres no excuse, no explanation that will make this better. He knows something is wrong but i kept insisting there wasnt and wouldnt talk to him, i guess now he's decided he doesnt want to talk to me either, he hasnt answered my texts or calls since i got home.

worse thing is. I sit here crying and hating myself and hating my life and hating bieng me. I feel physically sick and weak and helpless and i hurt so so so bad and feel so lonely. They say tears wash the soul, I guess mine is to dirty to be cleaned.

Beginning again...

I’ve been thinking about creating this blog for some time now but like many depressives it took me this long just to decide. What shall I name my blog? What will I say? Will anyone read it? Does anyone care? Where do I begin? If you’re a depressive you know exactly what I mean. It seems like every decision could have huge and dire consequences and require much thought. I admit I tried my hand at blogging before, it was a weight loss blog, I wasn’t very successful at it, mainly because those blogs all seemed to be so, well so damn happy. It felt unreal to me. I couldn’t relate, I felt like a downer. My weight loss journey, hell my LIFE is more about tears and anger and frustration, hiding, feeling lonely and obsessing about things. Happy is an emotion like a holiday or a birthday. Once in a while or once a year if I’m lucky ya know.

This is going to be about me; my journey. Where I’ve come from, where I am and where I’m going. It’s going to include all of my bad times and all of my good times; it’s going to be about all of my frustrations and all of my successes. This is going to be about the real me. Take it as it is or leave it. This is a journey of discovery for me. Maybe by doing this I can get a grasp on my life. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired, and scared. Here I will do a brief synopsis.

I’m 40 yrs. Old. I’m a mother of 2. I’m married. I’ve been depressed seemingly forever, I’ve been on every medicine you can imagine, I became diabetic as a result of the medication and obese to the size of 385 lbs., it also crippled me to the point I became disabled and am on disability. I met my savior in the form of a therapist named Dr. Jen.  I am now 130 lbs. lighter, not on any medication, I’m no longer considered diabetic, I’m 5 days from finishing a 1 year associates degree program and I’m going to leave my husband.

I feel like I’m fighting for my life. I’m treading water and as soon as I stop I will drown. I’m afraid to live and I’m afraid to die. What if there’s a worse hell waiting for me on the other side. I’m going to end this now. I have a lot to think about. I hope if nothing else my story helps or encourages someone.

Trina~