Random whining....

I don't really know where to begin. I haven't been around because i've been dealing with so much. I still haven't found a job but i've been looking. So many conflicting feelings associated with that. I haven't worked in so long but I don't have a choice. Home life is so bad right now. I want to pick up my son and leave. Sometimes I feel like a shelter would be better. I'm so tired of bieng responisble for everything myself. I mean it's so rediculous. It's like I have 3 children but i only gave birth to 2. I really feel like I need to be on my own and it's such a scary process. I feel really bad, tomorrow is Thanksgiving and for the first time ever I don't have anything to cook. The cable and internet are off and I don't have those little boxes which cost 50 dollars each for the T.V. so it's going to make for a pretty gloomy day. Sometimes I think I've run out of tears, the worst of it is this feeling of loneliness. It's the worst early in the morning when I want to get up and maybe clean my room or walk around but can't because someone else is sleeping there. Usually until VERy late in the day because they stay up half the damn night.

Have you ever walked through a haunted house where it's so scary that half way through you kind of freeze. Your so terrified to go ahead and your terrified to go back at the same time but you know you have to move if your ever going to even have a chance to get out? My life is like that. I feel so cheated and yes i know thinking like that isn't productive yada yada.. but it's true. Ive sacrificed so much and all I want is to be happy. Sigh. it's 9 o'clock in the morning and everyone in my house is asleep so I sit here, pretty much in the dark, leeching internet from neighbors for the last 4 hours!! I can't go anywhere because I don't have 5 dollars to my name, my car radiator has a crack in it and the van thats worthless that i pay 340 dollars a month for needs a new battery. I just paid out 165 dollars on it for a new ignition switch. Our phones went off so i had to pay them, I told my husband i had to pay phone and electric and since his check was so small we had to be careful, we have another 2 weeks to try and make it. I get up and on a hunch a few days later check the account, he's taken out money for weed, the accounts overdrawn, I only have 5 dollars, so i had to borrow from my grandma to cover that and get a little bit of gas in my car. It pissed me off so bad!! First off since i'm the one that is making these payment arrangements with these bill collectors, im the one who has to manage the little bit of money your bringing AFTER the child support goes out, most of which goes to a child you cheated on me and had. The LEAST i expect is ASk me do we have enough money to do x,y,z right? At least do something other than make excuses to get more money into this house to support your family and your habit. granted i'm not working but i do have income and at this point i don't have a choice. I feel like wether i'm mentally healthy enough to sustain and maintain a job, I have to risk that income for more. I can't continue to live like this. It's killing me. Slowly. I don't want to be here anymore. I wish I could just; not die but maybe become a ball of energy to just float and be free, never having to feel the anger, the bitterness, the lonliness, the needyness, the fear, the anxiety, the angst, the pressure, the disappointment, the insomnia, the self hate, that turns inward and to my body. I feel all of these things on a daily basis, how can anyone person deal with that without exploding? I wouldn't believe it was possibly if i wasn't the one going through it. If i could have anything in the world right now that I think would make my life better, what would it be. im going to take a moment and examine this...

1. I would have a healthy mind
2. A job I loved and could sustain.
3. To be self sufficient. No government agency's assistance for anything.
4. Be single. I think I need time to have a chance in my life to only be responsible for me and who I choose! My son would be in there because he's only a child still.
5. Someone who loved me and made me feel attractive and sexy and like a woman and made ME feel taken care of for a change.

I think that about covers the basics.. Seems so simple when listed but these things seem as far away as the moon. sigh..