Tears do not wash the soul...

Ive been crying all day today off and on. Ive been binge eatting for about 4 days. There are so many issues I don't know where to begin. I graduated, well finished school on Tuesday and I got my associates degree. I feel i guess if i'm honest. Scared. I have for the last almost 2 years thrown myself into working out and school full time for almost the last 2 years.  Now I have gained weight and schools over. I think i'm terified of sliding back down into the depression and obesity. To add to that, I of course have self esteem issues. I have a boyfriend i met almost 2 years ago in an online chat room. In the beginning things were great. He made me feel special, he encouraged me, took care of me, sex was great.

I have always been very self concious about my body. First overweight, then less overweight but way more saggy. I've always felt as a dark skinned black girl i wasn't pretty enough, but he made me feel sexy and beautiful. I found myself sexually free and comfortable for the first time in many years. Then slowly things started to change. I guess i noticed with the oral sex first, he stopped, now i have to admit im not overly crazy about oral sex but it's one of the things he always claimed he loved doing so much and he just stopped, Then i noticed that he wasn't as touchy with me. he used to want to see me on cam, want pictures of me, call and text me multiple times a day, sexy things, we would only see each other maybe once a month but he wouldn't touch me, i would feel lucky if we had sex once around my last day and before where it was sexy and many positions and fun now it consisted of me performing oral sex and climbing ontop for what amounts to a quicky, of course i began to feel like it was me. maybe i wasnt sexy enough, maybe my body wasn't desireable it hurt a lot. It still hurts, I did talk to him a little bit about it but he said he had been tired etc: which is understandable, he works 2 jobs, both fulltime, he's dealing with debt and things. It was really hard for me because i want to be a sexual person, I want to be loved and touched and held and feel like someone desires me as much as i desire them.

I went to be with him for 5 days this past week, we had sex once, the same way as described above. A few hours before i left i had to do a couple things on his pc and discovered accidently (it popped open as soon as i turned on the pc) that he is still using the same chat site that i thought we had both stopped using, i was upset but i didnt let it show, i have logged on once in a while just to say hi to someone, I never went into rooms, or cammed or spent more than maybe 5 or 10 minutes on so no big deal right, doesnt mean he's doing anything wrong.

However, when i was working on the pc i had to download something and couldnt find it so i went into the recent changes folder to see if i could see where it went. There i saw a picture of a girls naked behind, i look up at path bar and it says received files. ok so maybe hes had that forever right so before i get myself all upset, i simply right click and look at properties, the file was recieved 7 days before my visit, there was another of a naked vagina, also in the same month, so not only is he chatting, he's looking at cams and women are sending him pictures of body parts. Add to that my body self esteem issues, his teasing me about my flat butt, me having an issue with not liking the way my vagina looks after childbirth, his barely touching me in a sexual way, kissing me like closed mouth grandma kisses, barely getting any sex and im coming up with all these excuses as to why, tired, low sex drive, maybe it'll get better, whatever. This hit me like a blow to the gut. He knows somethings wrong but i keep saying nothing because theres no excuse, no explanation that will make this better. He knows something is wrong but i kept insisting there wasnt and wouldnt talk to him, i guess now he's decided he doesnt want to talk to me either, he hasnt answered my texts or calls since i got home.

worse thing is. I sit here crying and hating myself and hating my life and hating bieng me. I feel physically sick and weak and helpless and i hurt so so so bad and feel so lonely. They say tears wash the soul, I guess mine is to dirty to be cleaned.