Suicide whispers.....

Suicide.. Death... For the first time since I was 16 and took a bottle of pills, I have thought of death as a mother might think of a child, with fondness... The idea of lying down to never rise again, never suffer again, never hurt again has a strange allure.. It's a feeling like you feel while in a very long hard day at work, how you think lovingly of your bed, becoming almost a desperation and how it would feel to stretch out between cool sheets, lie your head on your pillow and close your eyes and just rest. Sometimes death calls to me as that bed would, it whispers to me of a release from physical pain, no more will i lie awake at night, with the pain in various parts of my body, a release from loneliness, no longer will I cry alone in the dark, or in my parked car, or in bathroom stalls, in the shower, head resting on the cool tile, a release from heartache so large that it constricts my throat, I can barely swallow sometimes, let alone breathe, It's like a physical pain, a knife that constantly twists, no longer will I search for love from people who hurt me time and time again, use me and lie to me, knowingly yet I still take it, trying to fill an empty part of me that can never be filled, release from stress, no longer will I worry about how to pay bills I can't pay by myself, beg for the 60 dollars in food stamps they give me, struggle to take care of an entire family on 11.00 an hour, Try to figure out how to work 2 jobs, still be able to be around enough to raise my 13 yr old son so he doesn't have to raise himself, another black man in the the streets, try to fit in going back to school for another degree that just maybe will allow me to take care of my family without assistance, suffer through inspections for housing assistance in a house that is filled with roaches and despair, never be able to move on with my life, a husband I haven't slept with in 2 years, who offers no help and can't seem to even pull himself together enough to move out, while I sleep with my pain ridden body on the couch, a release from the fears that assault me in the dark hours of the morning, a release from this obese pain ridden body that I hate with such passion, a release from a dysfunctional relationship with food, with life, a release from the face i don't like and dark circled eye's that have surrendered all hope.. It whispers lovingly to me of comfort and rest, it calls my name daily with it's promises of these things and so much more, and yet I go on, I fight.

Why I do not know, Sometimes I pray, but I don't hear God. Does he see or hear me? I do not know. Why do people get so upset about death. I think perhaps it is selfish, your suffering matters not as they will miss you and be sad if your gone, suicide is not bad because it is bad, it is bad because of the discomfort it causes others, it seems to me. Will I commit suicide at this moment? No, this week, probably not, ever? I do not know, I know I am impulsive and when/if the time comes it will be quickly with no fanfare and/or time for letters

so I leave this just in case...

To my children, I love you more than life itself, I tried the best I could and if for some reason it wasn't enough, I am sorry, Do not cry for me because I am finally happy and resting, take comfort in that. If I am able, I will watch over you. Always do your best and hold each other near. I love you guys! To my mom, if this precedes you, I forgive you. To my brothers, grow up. To my grandmother, I love you. To my aunt, I never lied when i told your husband was touching me, your calling me a lie hurt more than his putting his hands my pants ever did, I was a child and through all the horrors I went through at home, you and your home was my refuge, the one place I felt safe. I forgive you also. I have no real friends, so I guess that is it.

Tears do not wash the soul...

Ive been crying all day today off and on. Ive been binge eatting for about 4 days. There are so many issues I don't know where to begin. I graduated, well finished school on Tuesday and I got my associates degree. I feel i guess if i'm honest. Scared. I have for the last almost 2 years thrown myself into working out and school full time for almost the last 2 years.  Now I have gained weight and schools over. I think i'm terified of sliding back down into the depression and obesity. To add to that, I of course have self esteem issues. I have a boyfriend i met almost 2 years ago in an online chat room. In the beginning things were great. He made me feel special, he encouraged me, took care of me, sex was great.

I have always been very self concious about my body. First overweight, then less overweight but way more saggy. I've always felt as a dark skinned black girl i wasn't pretty enough, but he made me feel sexy and beautiful. I found myself sexually free and comfortable for the first time in many years. Then slowly things started to change. I guess i noticed with the oral sex first, he stopped, now i have to admit im not overly crazy about oral sex but it's one of the things he always claimed he loved doing so much and he just stopped, Then i noticed that he wasn't as touchy with me. he used to want to see me on cam, want pictures of me, call and text me multiple times a day, sexy things, we would only see each other maybe once a month but he wouldn't touch me, i would feel lucky if we had sex once around my last day and before where it was sexy and many positions and fun now it consisted of me performing oral sex and climbing ontop for what amounts to a quicky, of course i began to feel like it was me. maybe i wasnt sexy enough, maybe my body wasn't desireable it hurt a lot. It still hurts, I did talk to him a little bit about it but he said he had been tired etc: which is understandable, he works 2 jobs, both fulltime, he's dealing with debt and things. It was really hard for me because i want to be a sexual person, I want to be loved and touched and held and feel like someone desires me as much as i desire them.

I went to be with him for 5 days this past week, we had sex once, the same way as described above. A few hours before i left i had to do a couple things on his pc and discovered accidently (it popped open as soon as i turned on the pc) that he is still using the same chat site that i thought we had both stopped using, i was upset but i didnt let it show, i have logged on once in a while just to say hi to someone, I never went into rooms, or cammed or spent more than maybe 5 or 10 minutes on so no big deal right, doesnt mean he's doing anything wrong.

However, when i was working on the pc i had to download something and couldnt find it so i went into the recent changes folder to see if i could see where it went. There i saw a picture of a girls naked behind, i look up at path bar and it says received files. ok so maybe hes had that forever right so before i get myself all upset, i simply right click and look at properties, the file was recieved 7 days before my visit, there was another of a naked vagina, also in the same month, so not only is he chatting, he's looking at cams and women are sending him pictures of body parts. Add to that my body self esteem issues, his teasing me about my flat butt, me having an issue with not liking the way my vagina looks after childbirth, his barely touching me in a sexual way, kissing me like closed mouth grandma kisses, barely getting any sex and im coming up with all these excuses as to why, tired, low sex drive, maybe it'll get better, whatever. This hit me like a blow to the gut. He knows somethings wrong but i keep saying nothing because theres no excuse, no explanation that will make this better. He knows something is wrong but i kept insisting there wasnt and wouldnt talk to him, i guess now he's decided he doesnt want to talk to me either, he hasnt answered my texts or calls since i got home.

worse thing is. I sit here crying and hating myself and hating my life and hating bieng me. I feel physically sick and weak and helpless and i hurt so so so bad and feel so lonely. They say tears wash the soul, I guess mine is to dirty to be cleaned.