Suicide whispers.....

Suicide.. Death... For the first time since I was 16 and took a bottle of pills, I have thought of death as a mother might think of a child, with fondness... The idea of lying down to never rise again, never suffer again, never hurt again has a strange allure.. It's a feeling like you feel while in a very long hard day at work, how you think lovingly of your bed, becoming almost a desperation and how it would feel to stretch out between cool sheets, lie your head on your pillow and close your eyes and just rest. Sometimes death calls to me as that bed would, it whispers to me of a release from physical pain, no more will i lie awake at night, with the pain in various parts of my body, a release from loneliness, no longer will I cry alone in the dark, or in my parked car, or in bathroom stalls, in the shower, head resting on the cool tile, a release from heartache so large that it constricts my throat, I can barely swallow sometimes, let alone breathe, It's like a physical pain, a knife that constantly twists, no longer will I search for love from people who hurt me time and time again, use me and lie to me, knowingly yet I still take it, trying to fill an empty part of me that can never be filled, release from stress, no longer will I worry about how to pay bills I can't pay by myself, beg for the 60 dollars in food stamps they give me, struggle to take care of an entire family on 11.00 an hour, Try to figure out how to work 2 jobs, still be able to be around enough to raise my 13 yr old son so he doesn't have to raise himself, another black man in the the streets, try to fit in going back to school for another degree that just maybe will allow me to take care of my family without assistance, suffer through inspections for housing assistance in a house that is filled with roaches and despair, never be able to move on with my life, a husband I haven't slept with in 2 years, who offers no help and can't seem to even pull himself together enough to move out, while I sleep with my pain ridden body on the couch, a release from the fears that assault me in the dark hours of the morning, a release from this obese pain ridden body that I hate with such passion, a release from a dysfunctional relationship with food, with life, a release from the face i don't like and dark circled eye's that have surrendered all hope.. It whispers lovingly to me of comfort and rest, it calls my name daily with it's promises of these things and so much more, and yet I go on, I fight.

Why I do not know, Sometimes I pray, but I don't hear God. Does he see or hear me? I do not know. Why do people get so upset about death. I think perhaps it is selfish, your suffering matters not as they will miss you and be sad if your gone, suicide is not bad because it is bad, it is bad because of the discomfort it causes others, it seems to me. Will I commit suicide at this moment? No, this week, probably not, ever? I do not know, I know I am impulsive and when/if the time comes it will be quickly with no fanfare and/or time for letters

so I leave this just in case...

To my children, I love you more than life itself, I tried the best I could and if for some reason it wasn't enough, I am sorry, Do not cry for me because I am finally happy and resting, take comfort in that. If I am able, I will watch over you. Always do your best and hold each other near. I love you guys! To my mom, if this precedes you, I forgive you. To my brothers, grow up. To my grandmother, I love you. To my aunt, I never lied when i told your husband was touching me, your calling me a lie hurt more than his putting his hands my pants ever did, I was a child and through all the horrors I went through at home, you and your home was my refuge, the one place I felt safe. I forgive you also. I have no real friends, so I guess that is it.

Invisible sickness...

Sometimes, I want to write but don't know what to say. Sometimes my heart is just filled with so much pain that I feel paralysed inside. Every breath is a labor, every breath hurts physically and mentally. As if there is a knife on the inside. I once saw a saying that went.." It's amazing a heart can feel so much pain and still continue to beat". I understand that. It is accompanied by a weariness of mind, body and soul. They say tears wash the soul, then mine should be squeeky clean, or perhaps worn away by erosion. This feeling strips you of everything, faith, joy, love, comfort. It's like a thief in the night. A spiritual mauling. No one can see the scars, they don't see the tears in the fabric of your bieng, you look perfectly normal to the eye but inside your ripped apart as if some B movie bad guy with blades for fingers has had his way. The tears fall within as much as they do outside. There's confusion, a perplexity that invades you. Why do i feel this way and more importantly why can't I stop? Why do i have this invisible sickness?

Whats wrong with me that I can't just see the good in everything? No food in the house? Why be happy you have a house. You child says the thing he misses about camp is going from 3 meals a day to nothing. Well, least he went to camp. You apply for food stamps and they continually deny you because they lose the paperwork you send in repeatedly and tell you theres nothing they can do, just appeal and try it again. Well, maybe you just really don't need those things anyways, get out of your car and stop crying. Hey there's a perk! you have a car! You get a job because you don't want to be on ssi anymore, good right? What does it matter that your only working part time and they have cut off the food stamps, the ssi completely and raised your rent 200.00 because they count your gross, and the foodstamps were cut off because they assumed you still got ssi AND were working. So what now your children have no food, your utilities are about to be turned off and you barely have any money to get to a part time job. You have a job! So what you have a husband you haven't slept with in 2 years, has a job that brings home less than what you do in a part time job because it goes out to a child he had out of wedlock and wont move out. Well least you have a husband... So what you live in a roach infested house that you can't afford to move out of because you can barely move from depression, and find a place where the landlord doesn't bother you about the portion of rent you don't pay because you don't have that either and even if you could, you cant afford moving costs, a security deposit, have no friends family or support system to think of to help you move should you miraculously manage to do all these things anyways.. Well hell, at least you have a place where the roaches can run right? So what everyday you struggle to get up and want to die inside.. there are people dead everywhere right? Least your alive.

How dare I have the nerve to be depressed and wallow in self pity! How dare I have feelings of despair!  How dare I question the reality of a God that allows so much suffering and people who claim these Gods but all seem to have so little understanding or compassion.. I am truly a horrible person am I not? I have so much to be thankful for! Why can't I see it and just be happy go lucky like eveyone else in the world? That is a good question and implore anyone with the answer to please contact me and let me know....

Into the lonely madness

Sometimes I wish I could sleep sadness away. That my craving for love wasn't so strong. Therapy, medicine, nothing helps. I'm always lonely even when surrounded by people, never trusting or understanding their love. Waiting to be let down. Every missed phone call, every hour that goes by without contact my thoughts are pervaded by insecurity. They are tired of me, they want someone else. I crave solitude and I crave love and attention. How can I crave both? I sit and cry, cry, cry.. Hating myself, blaming myself, I'm to needy, to fat, to ugly, its because I'm poor, a thousand reasons go through my head as to why I'm so unfixable, unloveable.. Why do I care,, why can't I just love me? Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a coward. I wish I knew if there really was a God. I would leave and go to sit at his feet.

It's been a long time..

I think I'm going to try to be better about blogging. I need it. I have sunk to an all time low. Bieng back on antidepressants has not been the greatest experience for me so far. My doc tried Lexapro which for some reason had me eating out of control. I craved sweets like nobodys business, Plus we added Topamax because I couldn't sleep. I gained 20 pounds before we figured out what was going on ,which is a HUGE setback for me. My weight is a primary fuel source for the depression in me. I now sit at 270 which is 40 pounds higher than my lowest and almost 100 pounds from where I would like to be. I obsess about it constantly. I have no energy and am always sleeping, I went from bieng a member of 3 gyms and exercising 4-5 times a week to none. I'm so frustrated and confused. Currently and I'm ashamed to say this because I KNOW in my heart it's not right but I can't stop myself. I'm starving myself. For the last 3 days I have only eaten 1 meal each day and try and make sure it's well under 1000 calories. I'm an intelligent person, I know this isn't the way but my mind keeps telling me that if I keep eating I'll keep gaining and will be 300+ lbs again before I know it and that would just be death for me. I notice these thoughts coming more and more despite the medication and talk therapy and thats why I decided to try to blog it out. Depression is the weirdest disease, It's like bieng at war with your own brain. I do all this research, I can get a degree but I can't convince myself to eat food, to NOT think about throwing up, or taking diet pills, or various other ways of drastically losing weight. It circles my mind like a merri go round and I can't stop the thoughts. The best I can do is compromise with it, not eating seems to be the least dangerous. How much sense does that make? I know when I say it how rediculous it sounds..

One day at a time I suppose, thats all I can do..

Where do I go from here???

Today at work was really hard. I am so tired of being treated like I am less than. I was going to go into the whole story of what's wrong but I just can't. I am just TOO tired. I feel like they are trying to get rid of me. Today I had to go to the bathroom in tears. I don't think I'm too much longer for this job and i guess it's ok as I'm not wanted anyway. It hurts though because it was so hard to get to this point. I struggled so hard. Hell I struggle so hard. I get so tired. I had gotten off the anti depressants, I had lost 151 pounds, I finished school, the 3 surgeries, I've done so much, fought so hard I can't help but wonder when will it end? I try not to get into the "why me's" because I know thats not a good road to be on but I'm so tired. Ive taken to leaving work and going to the park and just falling asleep in my car, I'm back on 2 low does of antidepressants, I'm eating like shit but still struggling to work out. I have gained 25 pounds that I haven't been able to get off for the last year. it's like climbing a muddy hill that someone keeps pouring water on, making it ever more slippery.  Everytime I gain a little ground I slide back down. Im living but i'm not alive. I exist. I take up space. I continue to fight because i don't know how to do anything else. I don't even know what it is I'm fighting for anymore........

I think even though I can't really afford it, and although it may cause a fight with my kids father, im going to check into a hotel for 2 days this weekend. Maybe I just need to take my bible and a notebook and sit and plan or cry or just allow whatever pentup feelings come out, come out and hopefully come away refreshed and with a new plan in hand...

Holding on by a thread

I am here, I have thought so many times of writing but the words always get caught in my throat. I don't want to put pen to paper because of the fear of the dam breaking. It gets harder and harder to hold it in. I struggle with the job. I love the job, but ironically, i'm in a job where I am only 1 of 2 black people people and the only black person on my side. I get discriminated against a lot and it is a hard situation to be in because i have found I actually love the job. They fired someone and I asked to be moved into full time, they didn't respond but by the time I came back off of a 3 day weekend they had hired a new fulltime person and reduced me to 2 days a week. So I guess that means I need to look for a new job. I have also been trying to get my husband to move out for like 6 months and i've come to the conclusion that will probably NOT happen and so I am thinking of walking away. Trying to decide if I will take my children or not, If so, How? Where? With a job that has reduced me to 2 days a week.. The house is a wreck, no one cleans, I hide in my car, I sit in it for hours at a time sometimes, in parks, outside my job etc: because i don't want to go home, My house is a wreck, noone cleans it, yes there are roaches, they drive me crazy, I tried to keep it clean but in a house with 4 people and your the only one working at it, its just not possible, and so i hide. Judge me world. I don't care anymore. I feel like i'm dying, I'm going through midlife crisis, I had a moment in time I was feeling better and doing weird things. I started thinking I was pretty and got my hair cut and started wearing stillettoes. (I so can't walk in heels) but it was fun to try. I got my eyebrows done and got 2 tattoos, I even got my nipples pierced.. (gasp!!) I know!! don't ask.. I got a permit to carry a firearm. I dont own one, never shot one and I think Im kind of afraid to touch one but if I ever do get one i will be sure to take classes. The permit was inspired by sometimes, I fall asleep in my car in the park and its dark and im afraid, also sometimes I walk in the dark, but since ive been in such a deep depression lately I havent worked out,, sighh so who knows.. I keep getting twinges in my face, like weird dead spots. I have been in the hospital 2 times for mini strokes. Everything seemed fine, but i still keep having these weird spots on my face, i know its the stress. Im convinced im going to have a stroke and die if I don't get out of this situation im in soon. its really hard as I have no friends or anyone to talk to about it really. I guess that doesn't matter though because there really is no solution to my problems, no easy fix. There is no comfort for the lonely. The pain is ongoing. Invisible to the eye, but no less real.

A moment in time

I know it's been a moment since I have written. I just can't it seems. Thank you Juliet for caring, sometimes thinking about that gives me the strength to keep moving. I haven't written becuase I don't know what to write. Sometimes I sit and i don't know where to begin. I feel like if i begin to let this monster out it will all fall apart this carefully constructed facade I am currently using to get through my days. I have put up an inpenetrable shield.. for now. I have a job now, it's part time. I work in a bank. Some days are harder than others but I think it's good for me in the long run. It forces me to fight to be seen instead of hiding. It is actually time for me to go to work now but I promise my next days off I will check in and catch up. Im not going to lie though. Im scared, I wake up frustrated every morning with a nameless fear that I am afraid to look at too closely for fear It will be too much. I will try though. As long as I know someone out there who cares, I will use that to help give me the courage to try.

(hugs)

Trina